Now, it was Christmas Day in the jailhouse
The old man sat in his cell
Put out your pudding, for treacle
He heard the warden yell
If you want treacle on your pudding
Put it out without delay
The old man put out his pudding
And the warden took it away

What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain't you glad you're a member of the human race?

Now, the folksinger came from America
To sing at the Albert Hall
He sang his songs of protest
And fairer shares for all
He sang how the poor were much too poor
And the rich too rich by far
Then he drove back to his penthouse
In his brand new Rolls-Royce car

What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain't you glad you're a member of the human race?

Now, Annie's a shorthand typist
Working for the BBC
Her brother Jackie's in prison
Doing three years for forgery
Her sister Josie's in Holloway
In Dartmoor is her Uncle Jim
And her dad runs a pirate radio ship
But she never talks about him

What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain't you glad you're a member of the human race?

Now, three old maids had a she-cat
Kept her indoors night and day
Kept her away from the he-cats
Thought she'd like it better that way
Then one old maid went and got married
The next morning, she hastened to write
A note to the others, which simply said
Let kitty out tonight

What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain't you glad you're a member of the human race?

Now, the button was pressed, the world destroyed
Leaving just one solitary man
And at the top of the Empire State Building
His lonely existence began
But his loneliness was too much, so he jumped
And he fell like a bird with one wing
And as he passed the seventh floor
He heard the telephone ring

What a world, (what a world) what a place, (what a place)
Ain't you glad you're a member of the human race?