Every man has a secret porn collection
Beneath the mattress, in the basement, or in the shed
An indecent aggregation
To aid with our stimulation
After everybody else has gone to bed

An encyclopedic media selection
Pictures, magazines, flip-books and DVDs
A corn-u-copia of data
Both in VHS and Beta
It's a wonderland of surreptitious sleaze

It may lurk on the computer
In an inconspicuously-named directory
I bet even Catholic priests
Sequester some in the recesses of their rectory

There's a potpourri for every predilection
Girl on girl, man on man, or dog on fish
Every class of animalia
Juxtaposing genitalia
To help us scratch our every evil itch

Yes, every man has a secret porn collection
And my lady friends, as vices go, there's worse
So let us keep our smut clandestine
And we won't ask any questions
About the "neck massager" you keep in your purse
Keep…in…your…purse! (Bzzzzzzzz…)