We piled the family in the SUV on Christmas Day
And headed off to Grandma's house, one hundred miles away
'Cause Grandma cooked a great big Christmas dinner for us all
She's done it every single year since I was very small

Now, all her life, our Grandma's always been a bit confused
Forgetting where she parked the car, and wearing mismatched shoes
We thought that it was cute at first, but lately she's been getting worse
The final straw was we saw the dinner she produced

This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog
This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog
She crammed him full of yams and served him up with mashed potatoes
This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog

Uncle Al threw up, and Auntie Patty screamed with fright
But I was really starving, so I snuck a tiny bite
That yappy little bastard used to drive the family mad
But with some chestnut stuffing on the side, he's not half-bad!

This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog
This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog
Turns out that Chardonnay's the perfect wine with Cocker Spaniel
This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog

This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog
This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog
We don't know where the cat is-but dessert is on its way…
This Christmas, Grandma cooked the dog