Bob and Tom said, "Guys, write a song
About the news ot the week"
But I live in Philadelphia
I live in Washington, DC

So I record my part, then send it to you
And I record mine when you're done
We'll make do, we're best friends, me and you
So let's check the news and have some fun

Did you see that little Sascha Cohen didn't quite win the gold
I guess I could just sing anything and you would never know
Instead of bein' the queen of the rink
I'm wearing my underwear as a hat
And lettin' the boys swing free, my friends
And that's the news of the week

Did you hear, those meatpackers from Nebraska won the big Powerball?
This is great; good thing I'm second I think I'll screw with Paul some more
I bet the day after they won that dough
Paul keeps his porn in his sock drawer
And wet his bed until age 23
And that's the news of the week

Did you hear about that Arab nation trying to buy a bunch of U.S. ports?
This verse sucks, and I refuse to sing it
Now when the dockworkers unload the boats
[silence]
And that's the news of the week

Did you hear-it's time to start spring training! Basball's almost here
I think I'll go find naked pictures of Kristi on the Internet
The last time I saw balls move that fast
Speaking of catchers-how's it goin', Chick?
And that's the news of the week

Tom Griswold thinks cursive writing is stupid
And that's the news of the week
The other day I killed a hobo with a hammer
And that's the news of the week