Now as I come home so drunk I couldn't see, oh
There I saw a horse, no horse should be there
I says unto me wife, tell this to me, oh
How come the horse there, no horse should be there
You old fool, you silly fool, can't you plainly see, oh
Nothing but a milk cow me mother sent to me, oh
Miles I have travelled a thousand miles and more, oh
Saddle on a milk cow I've never seen before

And as I come home so drunk I couldn't see, oh
There I saw boots, no boots should be there
I says unto me wife, tell this to me, oh
How come the boots there, no boots should be there
You old fool, you silly fool, can't you plainly see, oh
Nothing but a flower pot me mother sent to me, oh
Miles I have travelled a thousand miles and more, oh
Laces on a flower pot I've never seen before

And as I come home so drunk I couldn't see, oh
There I saw a hat, no hat should be there
I says unto me wife, tell this to me, oh
How come the hat there, no hat should be there
You old fool, you silly fool, can't you plainly see, oh
Nothing but a chamber pot me mother sent to me, oh
Miles I have travelled a thousand miles and more, oh
Sweat-band on a chamber pot I've never seen before

And as I come home so drunk I couldn't see, oh
There I saw a man, no man should be there
I says unto me wife, tell this to me, oh
How come the man there, no man should be there
You old fool, you silly fool, can't you plainly see, oh
Nothing but a baby me mother sent to me, oh
Miles I have travelled a thousand miles and more, oh
Whiskers on a baby I've never seen before