Thank you for the flowers
I threw them on the fire
And I burned the photographs that you had enclosed
GOD they were ugly children
So you're the little bastard of that brother of mine
Trying to trick a poor old woman
'Til I almost had a weakness

Last week Cousin Florence
Bit your Uncle Joe
Hit him on the forehead with a knife and a fork
(She) said that he looked like the devil
Then she said... "pass the vinegar," I'm beginning to think
(That) I'm the only one who hasn't taken to the drinking of it
Though I almost had a weakness

It pains me to mention
These delicate concerns
While I have to tolerate you family jewels
I really mustn't grumble
('Cause) when I die the cats and dogs will jump up and down
And you little swines will get nothing
Though I almost had a weakness