You could hear the hoofbeats pound As they raced across the ground And the rattle of the wheels As they went 'round and 'round And he galloped into market street His badge upon his chest His name was ernie And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west Now, ernie loved a widow A lady known as sue She lived all alone in linley lane At number twenty-two They said she was too good for him She was haughty, proud, and chic But ernie had his cocoa there Three times every week They called him ernie (ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west She said she'd like to bathe in milk He said, all right, sweetheart And when he finished work that night He loaded up the cart He said, you wanted pasteurized 'Cause pasteurized is best She says, ernie, I'll be happy If it comes up to mə chest And that tickled old ernie (ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (Head 'em up! All right!) Now, ernie had a rival An evil-looking man Called two-ton ted from teddington And he drove the baker's van He tempted sue with his treacle tarts And his tasty wholemeal bread And when she saw the size Of his hot meat pies It very near turned her head He went on the make with his dundee cake And he said, if you treat me right You'll have hot rolls every morning And crumpets every night He knew once she seen his macaroons He'd have his wicked way And all ernie had to offer Was a pint of milk a day Poor ernie (ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west One lunchtime, ted saw ernie's horse and cart outside her door It drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four And as he leaped down from his van Hot blood through his veins did course And he went across to ernie's cart And he did not kick his horse Whose name was trigger (trigger) And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west Now, ernie ran out into the street With his goldtop in his hand He said, if you wanna marry susie You'll fight for her like a man Oh, why don't we play cards for her? He sneeringly replied And just to make it interesting We'll have a shilling on the side Now, ernie dragged him from his van And beneath the blazing Sun They stood there face to face And ted went for his bun But ernie was too quick for him Things didn't go the way ted planned And a strawberry-flavored yogurt Sent it spinning from his hand Now, sue, she came between them And she tried to keep them apart And a three-day-old rock cake caught him underneath his heart As he doubled up in agony The concrete hardened crust Of a stale meat pie caught him in the eye And ernie bit the dust Poor ernie (ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west Ernie was only sixty-eight, he didn't want to die Now he's gone to make deliveries In that milk route in the sky Where the customers are angels And ferocious dogs are banned And a milkman's life is full of fun In that fairy, dairy land But a woman's needs are manyfold And sue, she married ted But strange things happened on their wedding night As they lay in their bed Was that the rustle of the leaves? Or the creaking of the gate? Or ernie's ghostly goldtops a-rattling in their crate? They won't forget ernie (ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!